Wednesday, November 10, 2010

This is part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. The prompt is: Sarah Silverman once gave an interview where she described her childhood depression as feeling homesick while at home. How would you describe it?

I am lonely in a crowd of people. I feel isolated. What I may have enjoyed previously just makes me sad and could possibly cause me to cry. Food does not taste as good - the cheesecake I love now tastes like cardboard. But, I want to eat everything in sight despite it tasting bad. I feel exhausted all the time but put on the happy face so no one asks "what's wrong." I am tired of hearing that and not really having an answer. My body feels like it is failing me and I don't know why. All the blood tests come back "normal." People begin to think I am nuts. I start to believe that maybe I am nuts. One innocent (but perceived negative) statement from a loved one can send tears down my face. Darkness brings dark, sad feelings. I also feel cold all the time. These are from the low phase of Bi-Polar Disorder.

Then I get a Manic phase. I have a lot of energy. Too much, really. I can get a whole week's worth of chores done in one day. My brain is working overtime and I feel jittery, with the possibility of a panic attack. It can appear that I have ADHD. This comes with a price, it physically exhausts me and launches me back into the Depressive phase once again.

I really wish I knew a cause for Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Then maybe we could find a cure. For years I have been on some kind of medicine due to Depression, only to find out I was actually Bi-Polar which is different (it has the manic phases). It is yet another reason why I hate this time of year and long for late March. There is more dark than light and it is cold this time of year. I already feel bad enough, I don't need mother nature to remind me.

4 comments:

  1. I often wonder what it would feel like to be mentally "well". I've battled the ups ad downs of depression my whole life-but have learned to put on the happy face because it's what people want to see. Thanks for this post-we aren't alone-and it sure helps to know there are people out there who understand.

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  2. Thank you Valerie. I totally agree. It does help to know you aren't alone, even if you feel alone.

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  3. I've had family members suffer from something like this ... actually, lost my older brother, from what I suspect was depression (mixed with major drug use ... to possibly numb the depression?).

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  4. I am so sorry Los. I do know people who have used either drugs or alcohol (or both)to no longer feel anything. Numb seems to be better than feeling. Thank you for stopping by.

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