Wednesday, November 10, 2010

This is part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. The prompt is: Sarah Silverman once gave an interview where she described her childhood depression as feeling homesick while at home. How would you describe it?

I am lonely in a crowd of people. I feel isolated. What I may have enjoyed previously just makes me sad and could possibly cause me to cry. Food does not taste as good - the cheesecake I love now tastes like cardboard. But, I want to eat everything in sight despite it tasting bad. I feel exhausted all the time but put on the happy face so no one asks "what's wrong." I am tired of hearing that and not really having an answer. My body feels like it is failing me and I don't know why. All the blood tests come back "normal." People begin to think I am nuts. I start to believe that maybe I am nuts. One innocent (but perceived negative) statement from a loved one can send tears down my face. Darkness brings dark, sad feelings. I also feel cold all the time. These are from the low phase of Bi-Polar Disorder.

Then I get a Manic phase. I have a lot of energy. Too much, really. I can get a whole week's worth of chores done in one day. My brain is working overtime and I feel jittery, with the possibility of a panic attack. It can appear that I have ADHD. This comes with a price, it physically exhausts me and launches me back into the Depressive phase once again.

I really wish I knew a cause for Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Then maybe we could find a cure. For years I have been on some kind of medicine due to Depression, only to find out I was actually Bi-Polar which is different (it has the manic phases). It is yet another reason why I hate this time of year and long for late March. There is more dark than light and it is cold this time of year. I already feel bad enough, I don't need mother nature to remind me.


  1. I often wonder what it would feel like to be mentally "well". I've battled the ups ad downs of depression my whole life-but have learned to put on the happy face because it's what people want to see. Thanks for this post-we aren't alone-and it sure helps to know there are people out there who understand.

  2. Thank you Valerie. I totally agree. It does help to know you aren't alone, even if you feel alone.

  3. I've had family members suffer from something like this ... actually, lost my older brother, from what I suspect was depression (mixed with major drug use ... to possibly numb the depression?).

  4. I am so sorry Los. I do know people who have used either drugs or alcohol (or both)to no longer feel anything. Numb seems to be better than feeling. Thank you for stopping by.