This is part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. The prompt is: Sarah Silverman once gave an interview where she described her childhood depression as feeling homesick while at home. How would you describe it?
I am lonely in a crowd of people. I feel isolated. What I may have enjoyed previously just makes me sad and could possibly cause me to cry. Food does not taste as good - the cheesecake I love now tastes like cardboard. But, I want to eat everything in sight despite it tasting bad. I feel exhausted all the time but put on the happy face so no one asks "what's wrong." I am tired of hearing that and not really having an answer. My body feels like it is failing me and I don't know why. All the blood tests come back "normal." People begin to think I am nuts. I start to believe that maybe I am nuts. One innocent (but perceived negative) statement from a loved one can send tears down my face. Darkness brings dark, sad feelings. I also feel cold all the time. These are from the low phase of Bi-Polar Disorder.
Then I get a Manic phase. I have a lot of energy. Too much, really. I can get a whole week's worth of chores done in one day. My brain is working overtime and I feel jittery, with the possibility of a panic attack. It can appear that I have ADHD. This comes with a price, it physically exhausts me and launches me back into the Depressive phase once again.
I really wish I knew a cause for Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Then maybe we could find a cure. For years I have been on some kind of medicine due to Depression, only to find out I was actually Bi-Polar which is different (it has the manic phases). It is yet another reason why I hate this time of year and long for late March. There is more dark than light and it is cold this time of year. I already feel bad enough, I don't need mother nature to remind me.