Thursday, October 28, 2010

Negative Thoughts Flow Through

Over and over again, I have to deal with the same issue. There have been times that it just gets me down. It especially pops up around the holidays. And, it deals with family, which is a horrible thing to have to deal with. The main issues are communication and disrespect. I like it when people can actually talk about problems. I don't like when people play games to benefit themselves while hurting others. I confess, I did something years ago, where I called out a lie that was being perpetrated on a lot of us. The liar (for lack of a better term), being a divisive type, did not like this at all. My questioning what was said was the start of a lot of pain for myself. I was no longer looked at the same way. I was considered an outsider since I would not hide the truth. 

For years this bugged me. It added to my depression (which I was already dealing with). I accepted the blame and guilt they laid upon me. I was already large, but I blew up to a size 24 because I ate my feelings. I finally got tired of my large self. I asked my doctor for help. He sent me to Behavioral Health. It took a couple of years of therapy to realize it wasn't me. That did not change how they behaved, just that I knew it wasn't me. I was still taking on the guilt, however.

It has taken a couple more years of therapy to no longer take on the guilt (but it still rears its ugly head every once in a while). If they want/need to be this way, that is on them. It is no longer on me. During this second journey, I also found meditation and writing to be helpful. I learned more about myself. I was taking on the guilt because that was easiest for me and I wanted to help them. My taking on their problem, however, does not help anyone. My meditation practice has helped me to open my mind more. It has helped me to flow the negative through my brain and out. My writing helps me figure out my thoughts. Any negative thoughts that come in relating to this problem are sent away with a swift "not now."

Keep in mind I would love to have open discussions. I know I am strong enough to not take digs personally, that belongs to them. Unfortunately,I am finding open discussion is not what is wanted on the other side. I find it sad, but their normal. I certainly will not be pushing things right now. And, with the holiday season fast approaching, I can imagine there will be many negative thoughts that will flow through - I am not good enough, I am a bad mom, I have done this or that. They may scoot in, but I will scoot them right on out with my "not now."


  1. Thanks for writing this-I can relate so much to the feelings of guilt. And thank goodness for writing-it's my salvation at times:)
    Keep scooting those negative thoughts out!

  2. Thank you, Valerie! I have been encouraged to write thanks to my current therapist (of about 2 years now).

  3. What an honor to read your journey to what's best for you and the modification of that to get to the flow. I know it wasn't easy. I had to reach a similar junction with my family. And it is sad. I feel bad for them in their small mindedness but I still love my family. It's hard to find the balance of me and them. I think you are doing a good job and I wish you the best as the holidays approach.

  4. Thank you Angelia!! I just read your post!!! How beautiful! I hope everything is well!

  5. Finding balance in life is a beautiful thing, isn't it? Good for you - you're getting it. ;)

    Michelle at ~ fellow writers workshopper ;)

  6. Hi there Diane,

    Wow, it seems that you have gone through quite a lot and it seems that it's been at the hands of others.

    I know it's hard to let go and move on, people say it all the time and even if you do, it's still in your memory. Waaaay easier said than done.

    I've gone through something similar and I too am very cryptic when I talk or write about it. Moreso, betrayal and such.

    I've let it go but I always remember and I've taken much from it and learned from it so I never have to deal with crap or people like that again.

    Good luck and thanks for coming on by to Whispered Inspirations! I'll be stopping by your FB page to leave you some "like" love!Feel free to stop by mine if you'd like. I just started it!

    Have a Happy and safe Halloween! Look forward to getting to know you!